Django Unchained Review: Australia Day and Leonardo DiCaprio
So I’m going to try something different on this blog. I’m going to review movies from time to time. I know something original right. Never the less I’m going to keep pushing on with this one.
What can I say about the new Tarantino flick, ‘Django Unchained’?
Yeah, it’s pretty good.
Ok that’s it. What more do you want from me? Fine I’ll keep going.
So today, the 26th of January, is Australia day, and what’s more Australian than going to the movies to watch a film set in slave time America about a black guy shooting white guys?
Django Unchained is a movie about the slave turned free man Django’s, Jaime Foxx, to free his wife Broomhilda, Kerry Washington. He does this with the help of Dr. King Schultz, the wonderful Christoph Waltz, a dentist turned bounty hunter. After freeing Django, Schultz and Django go on a bounty hunting spree across the south in an effort to raise money to fund their escape plan. Their hunt for Broomhilda leads them to ‘Candyland’ the plantation of Calvin Candie, DiCaprio.
This movie is one of the reasons I really like DiCaprio.
He is wonderful, and his ability to stay in character even after slicing his hand open (yes it’s his blood in the film) further reinforces why he is one of the current Hollywood greats. Foxx is as good as ever and brings this wonderful personality to Django that sometimes makes him seem like a lost child taking his first steps into the world at the beginning, and finally becoming a man by the end.
Samuel L. Jackson, is a bit of a scene stealer as Stephen the elderly Head of House of ‘Canyland’, but the real show stealer is Waltz, who appeared in ‘Inglorious Bastards’ as, according to my friend, the ‘racist one’.
Unchained
Bastards
Dr. Schultz is the only unracist white person in the movie, and this brings up some amazingly funny dialogue and situations. I’m willing to recommend this movie off the back of his stellar performance.
My criticisms of this film are few, but noteworthy. Being a Tarantino film, you expect a level of over the top violence, but this was ridiculous.
There was one death that really pulled me out of the movie. A woman gets shot by a revolver and goes flying off and all the angles do not work. It pulled me out of the movie. My other critique is the cameo by Tarantino himself.
I felt it was totally unneeded, my companion didn’t even pick him out, but I think that’s because she doesn’t know what he looks like, and his accent, I’m assuming South African, came across as strange. There is always the possibility that he was trying to do Australian. If that’s the case it cements my theory that non-Australians, bar a select few, cannot do Australian accents.
Django Unchained is a good fun romp for the whole family. Ok, I’m kidding there. Actually, Django Unchained is an intriguing movie, and is a true Tarantino film. It is a wonderful mix of a serious subject matter, and Tarantino’s odd humour, that I love. It is not, however, a good first date movie, unless the person you are dating is a bit of an interlectual, or you have been dating for a while. So in the theme of Australia Day, I give Django Unchained four out of five Australian Flags.
Like this? Let me know, and I’ll write more of them.
Next, we have Christian Grey:
My suspicions were confirmed a few pages later when Ana admits that any “sympathy” she feels for her sick friend is “unwelcome”. Unwelcome, apparently because her friend is beautiful, even when she has the flu…? What a petty, jealous cunt. The only thing that made the first 4% of this book tolerable was the fact that I read it aloud to my younger brother, and his frequent commentary was amusingly distracting. Once he gave up, however, I had to travel the rest of the road alone. What a painful journey it was. My first impressions of Ana were bad (deservedly so). What were my first impressions of Christian? Well…
Huh.Anyway, after reading about the description of Christian’s building (hello, first penis metaphor), I had to sit through the awful dialogue between these smarmy idiots and hope beyond hope that something, anything, would distract me enough to see me through to the end. Turns out, I found something about 15% through. I went back and counted, and kept track throughout the rest of the book, and do you have any idea how many fucking times Ana said “Oh my” in this monumentally bad missive? Do you? I’ll tell you; 79! 79 motherfucking times. “He pulled me back against his chest…oh my.” “He began kissing a trail down my belly, oh my.” “He’s an insufferable douchenozzle, oh my!” (I’m just thankful that neither lions, tigers, nor bears were brought into this mess at any point.)
About halfway through, I wished I’d been keeping track of the word “crap” because Ana is constantly saying/thinking it. Crap, Holy Crap, Double and Triple Crap, Oh Crap, This Crap, That Crap, any and all Crap. Speaking of crap, if I ever, ever ever have to hear/read the words “inner goddess” again, I’m going to construct a pyre out of tampons and maxi pads, light it, and toss unsuspecting women into it. 
I simply love the attempt E.L. James made at giving these pathetic shells personalities. Ana wears Converse, drives a vintage car, and likes classic British lit. *Yawn* haven’t heard any of that before. And Christian; we know Christian’s super deep and sophisticated because he plays the piano and listens to obscure classical music. This is how we know Edward Christian is really just a lost soul in need of love; his love of music. Everyone knows that no one threatening listens to music. Music lovers just aren’t capable of doing anything bad.
^Surprise! Psychos like music, too.^Since this is considered nothing more than “mommy porn”, I will attempt to pander to that particular demographic for a moment. Were the sex scenes well-written? Well, none of it was particularly well-written. The sex scenes could be kind of…honestly, they were kind of boring. I’ve had more exciting sex myself, so I guess reader response to the sex scenes is dependent on reader experience. There’s nothing revolutionary here, and a lot of it is just plain unrealistic. I mean, come on, he pretty much jackhammers her hymen and she walks away with nothing more than a passing, pleasant soreness? Riiiight. How about the time he gives her a handjob with a soapy washcloth? Hello? Apparently neither one of them has ever heard of a urinary tract infection. Oh, or we could talk about her first time giving Christian a blowjob, during which Ana established herself as some kind of Queen of Deepthroat.
Apparently, Mr. GinormoDick doesn’t know that a woman can get pregnant while on her period. Which is hilarious considering all the teaching and training he’s doing to remedy Ana’s sexual ignorance. Sexual dependence, thy name is Anastasia Steele. We’re supposed to believe that this girl has gone 21 years neither having had sex nor masturbating? Hm. Well, Christian’s supposed sexual prowess makes a bit more sense now, as does Ana’s assertion that he has a giant bologna wand. She has absolutelyzero experience, and she’s never once had anything “in there”. Thing could be the size of a baby carrot and she’d still be like, “Oh, my glob! How is it ever going to fit?!” It’s good that she stockpiled all those potential orgasms, though, because now she’s capable of having like, 15 a day or something. It’s ridiculous. Come to think of it, Christian’s obsession with her eating habits makes a bit more sense now. She was probably beginning to look like something out of a horror movie.
I wish you the best of luck, ladies. May you get everything your hearts desire And when your dreamboats start giving you black eyes and pushing you down stairs, don’t come crying to me.By the way, for all you ladies bustin’ out your toys while daydreaming about Hunky Mr. Grey, I want you to do something for me. It’ll only take a moment. Close your eyes. Think about all the things Christian Grey does in the book. Not just those supposed sweet things, but really, everything. His condescension, his control, his insane jealousy, his threats…..and now….imagine he looks like this:
Still turned on? The end of the book was absolutely hilarious, with Ana fleeing in emotional tumult because Christian can’t give her what she needs (love! *sniff*).
