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Django Unchained Review: Australia Day and Leonardo DiCaprio

So I’m going to try something different on this blog. I’m going to review movies from time to time. I know something original right. Never the less I’m going to keep pushing on with this one.

What can I say about the new Tarantino flick, ‘Django Unchained’?
Yeah, it’s pretty good.

Ok that’s it. What more do you want from me? Fine I’ll keep going.

So today, the 26th of January, is Australia day, and what’s more Australian than going to the movies to watch a film set in slave time America about a black guy shooting white guys?

Django Unchained is a movie about the slave turned free man Django’s, Jaime Foxx, to free his wife Broomhilda, Kerry Washington. He does this with the help of Dr. King Schultz, the wonderful Christoph Waltz, a dentist turned bounty hunter. After freeing Django, Schultz and Django go on a bounty hunting spree across the south in an effort to raise money to fund their escape plan. Their hunt for Broomhilda leads them to ‘Candyland’ the plantation of Calvin Candie, DiCaprio.

This movie is one of the reasons I really like DiCaprio.

He is wonderful, and his ability to stay in character even after slicing his hand open (yes it’s his blood in the film) further reinforces why he is one of the current Hollywood greats. Foxx is as good as ever and brings this wonderful personality to Django that sometimes makes him seem like a lost child taking his first steps into the world at the beginning, and finally becoming a man by the end.

Samuel L. Jackson, is a bit of a scene stealer as Stephen the elderly Head of House of ‘Canyland’, but the real show stealer is Waltz, who appeared in ‘Inglorious Bastards’ as, according to my friend, the ‘racist one’.


Unchained

Bastards

Dr. Schultz is the only unracist white person in the movie, and this brings up some amazingly funny dialogue and situations. I’m willing to recommend this movie off the back of his stellar performance.

My criticisms of this film are few, but noteworthy. Being a Tarantino film, you expect a level of over the top violence, but this was ridiculous.

There was one death that really pulled me out of the movie. A woman gets shot by a revolver and goes flying off and all the angles do not work. It pulled me out of the movie. My other critique is the cameo by Tarantino himself.

I felt it was totally unneeded, my companion didn’t even pick him out, but I think that’s because she doesn’t know what he looks like, and his accent, I’m assuming South African, came across as strange. There is always the possibility that he was trying to do Australian. If that’s the case it cements my theory that non-Australians, bar a select few, cannot do Australian accents.

Django Unchained is a good fun romp for the whole family. Ok, I’m kidding there. Actually, Django Unchained is an intriguing movie, and is a true Tarantino film. It is a wonderful mix of a serious subject matter, and Tarantino’s odd humour, that I love. It is not, however, a good first date movie, unless the person you are dating is a bit of an interlectual, or you have been dating for a while. So in the theme of Australia Day, I give Django Unchained four out of five Australian Flags.

Like this? Let me know, and I’ll write more of them.

Fifty Shades of What the Fuck Did I Just Read?

Here’s a review of the ‘best selling’ ‘book’ “Fifty Shades of Grey”. You can read this, so you don’t have to read the ‘book’ and still be able to cut down any who defend it.
Katrina Lumsden's review 
Jul 20, 12
1 of 5 stars false
Read from June 01 to 02, 2012
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What in the hell just happened? Did I really read that? Oh, my god, I did. I did read that. Meet Anastasia Steele:Photobucket
Ana is just a giant mess of a human being. She’s insecure to the point of it being laughable, ‘klutzy’ (even though she only trips twice in the entire book), and a complete ditz. She’s a virgin (of course) who’s never taken any sexual interest in anyone before. Right. I’m fairly certain there hasn’t been a woman this naive since ‘round about 1954. At one point, she thinks putting her hair in pigtails will keep her safe from Christian’s lusty advances. Fuckin’ really?She “flushes” constantly, and on several occasions referred to her hoo-hoo-naughty place as “down there.”PhotobucketNext, we have Christian Grey:
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Christian is a misogynistic, self-loathing, abusive piece of shit. Apparently, his only redeeming qualities are, in this order; his ridiculous good looks, his money, and his giant penis. The only time Ana seems to like him as a person is when he’s being “lovable”, and those times are few and far between. Most of the time he’s serious, brooding, and threatening. How charming.I knew from the very first line this wasn’t going to be good. "I scowl with frustration at myself in the mirror." It was cemented that early, my deep, deep dislike for this moronic, simpering asshole. Your hair won’t behave? Guess what?PhotobucketMy suspicions were confirmed a few pages later when Ana admits that any “sympathy” she feels for her sick friend is “unwelcome”. Unwelcome, apparently because her friend is beautiful, even when she has the flu…? What a petty, jealous cunt. The only thing that made the first 4% of this book tolerable was the fact that I read it aloud to my younger brother, and his frequent commentary was amusingly distracting. Once he gave up, however, I had to travel the rest of the road alone. What a painful journey it was. My first impressions of Ana were bad (deservedly so). What were my first impressions of Christian? Well…Photobucket
That’s how I felt about Christian Grey. From the beginning. Any time an author tries to sell me on a character’s “charm” by waxing hormonal about how “ridiculously good-looking” he is, I snicker inwardly. I can’t think why….
PhotobucketHuh.Anyway, after reading about the description of Christian’s building (hello, first penis metaphor), I had to sit through the awful dialogue between these smarmy idiots and hope beyond hope that something, anything, would distract me enough to see me through to the end. Turns out, I found something about 15% through. I went back and counted, and kept track throughout the rest of the book, and do you have any idea how many fucking times Ana said “Oh my” in this monumentally bad missive? Do you? I’ll tell you; 79! 79 motherfucking times. “He pulled me back against his chest…oh my.” “He began kissing a trail down my belly, oh my.” “He’s an insufferable douchenozzle, oh my!” (I’m just thankful that neither lions, tigers, nor bears were brought into this mess at any point.)PhotobucketAbout halfway through, I wished I’d been keeping track of the word “crap” because Ana is constantly saying/thinking it. Crap, Holy Crap, Double and Triple Crap, Oh Crap, This Crap, That Crap, any and all Crap. Speaking of crap, if I ever, ever ever have to hear/read the words “inner goddess” again, I’m going to construct a pyre out of tampons and maxi pads, light it, and toss unsuspecting women into it. Photobucket
^My inner goddess will cap yours in the face if you don’t shut the fuck up^I’m sorry, I just couldn’t take any of this seriously. His playroom. Hisplayroom? Really?Photobucket
Or how about his weird-ass issues with food? He wants the girl slim and in shape, yet he won’t stop trying to force her to eat!PhotobucketI simply love the attempt E.L. James made at giving these pathetic shells personalities. Ana wears Converse, drives a vintage car, and likes classic British lit. *Yawn* haven’t heard any of that before. And Christian; we know Christian’s super deep and sophisticated because he plays the piano and listens to obscure classical music. This is how we know Edward Christian is really just a lost soul in need of love; his love of music. Everyone knows that no one threatening listens to music. Music lovers just aren’t capable of doing anything bad.Photobucket^Surprise! Psychos like music, too.^Since this is considered nothing more than “mommy porn”, I will attempt to pander to that particular demographic for a moment. Were the sex scenes well-written? Well, none of it was particularly well-written. The sex scenes could be kind of…honestly, they were kind of boring. I’ve had more exciting sex myself, so I guess reader response to the sex scenes is dependent on reader experience. There’s nothing revolutionary here, and a lot of it is just plain unrealistic. I mean, come on, he pretty much jackhammers her hymen and she walks away with nothing more than a passing, pleasant soreness? Riiiight. How about the time he gives her a handjob with a soapy washcloth? Hello? Apparently neither one of them has ever heard of a urinary tract infection. Oh, or we could talk about her first time giving Christian a blowjob, during which Ana established herself as some kind of Queen of Deepthroat.Photobucket
Anyone wanna hear about the tampon scene? Oh, you’ve already heard about the tampon scene? Yeah, same here, although hearing about it and reading the actual scene are a bit different. For some reason, you imagine it being worse than it actually is, while at the same time, reading about it is more horrifying than you could possibly imagine. "He reaches between my legs and pulls on the blue string…what! And…gently pulls my tampon out and tosses it into the nearby toilet.” Photobucket
Look, I’m not against sex during menses, but a guy plucking out a girl’s tampon? Yeah, gross. I’m not a prude, but there are certain lines people just shouldn’t cross. What makes it worse is that Christian is just thrilled that Ana’s raggin’ because he hates using condoms.PhotobucketApparently, Mr. GinormoDick doesn’t know that a woman can get pregnant while on her period. Which is hilarious considering all the teaching and training he’s doing to remedy Ana’s sexual ignorance. Sexual dependence, thy name is Anastasia Steele. We’re supposed to believe that this girl has gone 21 years neither having had sex nor masturbating? Hm. Well, Christian’s supposed sexual prowess makes a bit more sense now, as does Ana’s assertion that he has a giant bologna wand. She has absolutelyzero experience, and she’s never once had anything “in there”. Thing could be the size of a baby carrot and she’d still be like, “Oh, my glob! How is it ever going to fit?!” It’s good that she stockpiled all those potential orgasms, though, because now she’s capable of having like, 15 a day or something. It’s ridiculous. Come to think of it, Christian’s obsession with her eating habits makes a bit more sense now. She was probably beginning to look like something out of a horror movie.
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Seriously, though, are we going to take the word of a girl who is apparently so undersexed she’s never even masturbated? I guess I can sort of understand this obsession with some kind of an awakening, but…really? “Oh, he’s soooogood in bed!” How the hell would she know?! She has absolutely nothing with which to compare, not even her own damn hand! 
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Now I’ll be totally honest, the biggest issue I have with Fifty Shades of Shit is neither the sex nor the horrible writing. It’s the plot. Thin as it is, it’s still there, its core message being that, given enough time, you can change someone. While I don’t have any problem with this if all you’re trying to do is help them to lose weight or quit smoking, when you’re talking about an emotionally and (dangerously close to) physically abusive relationship, sending that kind of message is ridiculous and irresponsible. Christian is controlling, possessive, condescending, and cruel. He doesn’t allow Ana to behave as she normally would, and Ana just puts up with it, insistent that if she can give him what he wants, when he wants, as often as he wants, she can eventually begin to pull his strings. Will it work? In the books, probably. In real life? No. Almost never. How many idiotic, weak women are going to waste their lives on some emotionally retarded prick because they’ve read shit like this and think this kind of fucked-up fairytale will come true for them? I’ve known women with this mentality. “Oh, he’s so dark and dangerous and threatening, but he’s got a sad, lonely side, and if I could just figure out what’s wrong, I could change him!” 
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Wake the fuck up, he may be hot, he may have a huge dick, he may even be rich, that doesn’t make him a good person. It doesn’t even make him apotentially good person. Quit.Being.A.Fucking.Idiot. (Look, I can make my words Staccato like Christian. Now hold still while I choke you until you pass out…)Photobucket
^Ana and Christian^ - “I said don’t roll your eyes at me!!”
Christian stalks Ana (which she turns into a fucking joke), and whispers things to her “threateningly”. She’s constantly afraid he’s going to beat the crap out of her, and with good reason as he, on more than one occasion, tells her he’s going to/wants to.Potential rape is downplayed. Ana’s friend, Jake Jose, starts pushing himself on her rather vehemently when they’re both drunk. Ana repeatedly says no, but Jose just keeps trying to go in for the kill. Admiral Chaps busts on up with his riding crop, however, and saves her. Ana (understandably) avoids Jose for a while after that, and when her other friend asks her why, all Ana says is, “He made a pass at me.” Later on, she and Jose are friends again, the “attempted kiss” forgotten. *Sigh*Rapists appear to be a theme. Christian tells Ana that he gets off on having complete and total control over another person. This is not just in the bedroom, but in Ana’s overall life. On several occasions, he fails to yield when Ana says no, plunging on regardless, assured she’ll like whatever he does, anyway, so why bother stopping?
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And there are women out there who think this is romantic.PhotobucketI wish you the best of luck, ladies. May you get everything your hearts desire And when your dreamboats start giving you black eyes and pushing you down stairs, don’t come crying to me.By the way, for all you ladies bustin’ out your toys while daydreaming about Hunky Mr. Grey, I want you to do something for me. It’ll only take a moment. Close your eyes. Think about all the things Christian Grey does in the book. Not just those supposed sweet things, but really, everything. His condescension, his control, his insane jealousy, his threats…..and now….imagine he looks like this:PhotobucketStill turned on? The end of the book was absolutely hilarious, with Ana fleeing in emotional tumult because Christian can’t give her what she needs (love! *sniff*).
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And we’re treated to her alternately being angry about the pain and humiliation she faced at Christian’s hands, and chastising herself for being a failure and for being mean to Christian. It really is classic abuse mentality. She’s pathetic. And I hate her. A lot.It’s this kind of ignorant trash that sets feminism back decades. Women who defend this book are, however unwittingly, participating in some of the most blatant misogyny I’ve ever witnessed, giving the impression that some women enjoy being debased, abused, and controlled (outside of a consensual dom/sub relationship). This is not a book about BDSM, this is a book about one sick, abusive man and his obsession with a young, naive invertebrate. It’s a book about a girl who has absolutely no sense of self, who sacrifices any pretense of individuality in order to hold onto a man who doesn’t even show her the faintest glimmer of respect. It’s about two attention-starved individuals with the emotional maturity of toilet paper convincing themselves that their relationship is ‘like, the best thing ever, OMG’. It’s trite, insulting, and dangerous. I fear for any impressionable young women who read this and think that this is how an ideal relationship should operate. If nothing else, it should be issued as a guidebook to mothers around the world to show their daughters the kind of man to avoid at all costs. This book doesgood men (and indeed, all of humanity) a disservice. 
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*Sigh*A bestseller. They’re thinking of turning it into a movie….I can’t….Photobucket
Word Count:
 ”Oh My” - 79
"Crap" - 101
"Jeez" - 82
"Holy (shit/fuck/crap/hell/cow/moses)" - 172
"Whoa" - 13
"Gasp" - 34
"Gasps" - 11
"Sharp Intake of Breath" - 4
"Murmur" - 68
"Murmurs" - 139
"Whisper" - 96
"Whispers" - 103
"Mutter" - 28
"Mutters" - 23
"Fifty" - 16
"Lip" - 71
"Inner goddess" - 58
"Subconscious" - 82
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